


Second Chance

by grandpajumpersandeyelashes



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Gen, Guilt, M/M, Pre-Series, Rick is already dead, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 20:24:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2283381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grandpajumpersandeyelashes/pseuds/grandpajumpersandeyelashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kieren has to deal with life after Rick's death, or that's what he's told. He sees a different way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Second Chance

**Author's Note:**

> Please please please only read this if you aren't easily triggered. I don't want to hurt anyone and your mental health is so much more important that reading this fic. It goes into detail about how Kieren feels after Rick's death, and I don't want to put anyone through anything they can't handle. It also describes the actual action. If either of these could trigger you, I ask you to consider that before reading.  
> This was inspired by some lyrics from "Second Chance" by Shinedown (some sections are titled by the lyrics that inspired them). That's where it draws it's name from.

I watched the world outside  
By the way,  
I'm leaving out today

Kieren’s eyes stared blankly out the window. It was ten thirty. This time last summer, Rick would be running past any moment. But he wouldn’t see him run past. He wouldn’t see him at all. Rick was dead. The love of his 18 year old life was dead. Dead thinking he hated him.  
The night before Rick had left, Kieren had gotten mad at him for kissing him a little too aggressively. Too possessively. Kieren didn’t want to feel like he belonged to Rick, he wanted to be his equal. Really though, looking back, his heart did belong to Rick. It always had, and always would. But he instead had gotten mad. If Rick wasn’t always drunk when they fooled around, he probably wouldn’t have minded. But Rick was absolutely hammered that night. So Kieren told him to fuck off, that he was sick of being messed with that way. Rick had looked so hurt, but Kieren wouldn’t back down.  
As Kieren turned to walk away, Rick took advantage of his longer strides to stand in front of him. He placed a much softer kiss to Kieren’s lips. “See you tomorrow, Ren.” he lied. How Kieren hated that that was a lie.   
“Fuck off, Rick.” Kieren had replied in a huff, shoving his way past Rick. Kieren tried to tell himself that the look on Rick’s face wasn’t heartbreak, but he knew it was. That was the last thing he said to him, until the funeral.  
There wasn’t even a body to bury. Just an empty casket to be buried, for ceremonial purposes. Kieren’s parents almost had to drag him out of his bed, too heartbroken to function, to attend it. Not that Bill Macy wanted him there. Kieren represented everything that was wrong with Rick. Bill knew, but wouldn’t, perhaps couldn’t, accept that Rick was gay. He had blamed Kieren, oh had he blamed him, for anything his son did that wasn’t manly enough for him.  
Bill even dared approach the shaking mess of a boy at his son’s empty casket, whispering words begging for forgiveness and confessing his love, Bill’s voice gruff and hatefilled as ever. “What are yer doing here? Yer were barred from my household and from seeing my son four years ago, can’t get that through that thick fairy skull of yers? He hated you and hated yer kind, get away from us. Don’t disrespect my son, a hero, by coming here and embarrassing his name.”  
Bill wasn’t the only one who blamed Kieren. Kieren did a pretty good job at that himself. There wasn’t a second that he didn’t think about how if he hadn’t pursued Rick, if he hadn’t have kissed him the first time. If he hadn’t have ever existed, Rick Macy would still be alive. He was the reason Rick joined the army. He was the reason he had to get away. He was the reason he stepped on an IED. He was the reason Rick Macy was dead.  
Eyes still staring outside, he decided what he had to do. He stood from his bed and walked downstairs.

\--

Even the man in the moon disappeared  
Somewhere in the stratosphere

Sue looked up from the paper she was reading, hearing footsteps coming down the stairs. Jem was out, so she knew it was Kieren. “Kier, where are you off to, love?” she asked gently, seeing him about to leave.  
“Out, mum.” he said in a hoarse voice that hadn’t been used for anything but sobbing for the past few days. “I just need some air.”  
Sue nodded, giving him a soft smile. “Alright, don’t stay out too late, love. I’m making lamb for dinner. I know it’s your favorite.”  
“Thanks mum. I-” his voice broke as he needed to breathe a few times, “I love you, mum.” he told her, honestly.  
“I love you too, Kier. Have fun on your walk.”  
Once he closed the door, Kieren had to close his eyes and breath. He leaned against the side of the house for balance, trying to reconcile his mind with what just happened. When he opened them, he found it hard to walk. His walk was always a little strange, but now he was stumbling, like his body had started to shut itself down. Fitting then, what he was planning on doing.  
As he walked down the main street through Roarton, he nearly ran into Jem. “Kier, what you doing out?” Jem asked, surprised to see him, her 14 year old mind unable to decipher that it probably wasn’t the best way to frame the question.  
Kieren shrugged. “Wanted some fresh air, I suppose.” his voice was strained.  
Jem gave him a warm smile. That girl was all smiles, always so full of life, something Kieren felt like he hadn’t felt like for ages. “Care for some company, then? Mum won’t mind if I’m a little late as long as I’m with you.” she told her older brother.  
“No, I think I’d like to be alone if that’s alright, Jem.” he told her. She tried, bless her, to hide the hurt she felt from his rejection as she nodded. She flashed another small grin before starting to walk back towards the house. “Hey, Jem?” he called, turning towards her. She snapped back to look her brother in the eye. “I love you. You know that, yeah?”  
Jem smiled, warm and genuine, “I know, Kier. I love you too.”  
If Kieren had any tears left, they would have fallen then as he turned from his little sister. He had made her grow up so much in the past few weeks. He had haunted the late hours in the upstairs landing they shared with sobs, he had told her some things that no fourteen year old should need to hear, and forced her to play the role of an older sibling. She had taken it with such ease too, something that broke his heart. He had failed her as an older brother. He should have been there for her. She never should have had to be there for him like she had been.  
He was nearly hyperventilating as he finished his walk through town. He wanted to see the entire place before his walk ended. He almost broke down as he passed the Macy house. Janet Macy had been standing at the window, the one above the sink, staring as Kieren had been earlier. When she saw Kieren, she shook, and had to wipe her tears away. She knew. She had known since they were sixteen. She knew, and she loved Rick, but she couldn’t stand up to Bill. She blamed herself as much as Kieren blamed himself.  
Finally, Kieren reached the woods. He hesitated at the edge of the trees. He took a deep breath, trying to tell himself that everyone had to some time. Today was just his time.

\--

Tell my mother,  
Tell my father  
I've done the best I can  
To make them realize  
This is my life  
I hope they understand  
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...  
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

He reached the mouth of the den, his heart pounding in his chest. So this is what it felt like. He wondered if everyone felt this way, before the inevitable happened. Did time slow for everyone, no matter the circumstances?  
It was stereotypical to say, but all he could think about was everything that happened. He remembered everything from a childhood fishing trip with his dad, his mum’s face the first time she saw one of his drawings of her, his tearful confession to Jem of his feelings for Rick. He hoped they would understand. He had no other choice. There was no way to live with the guilt. He couldn’t force them to deal with him locked in his room the rest of his life, having to coddle him.  
They’d be better off. No one should have to see someone like that. It was the last thing he wanted his sister to grow up around. His parents couldn’t stand to see him like that. He couldn’t stand to see how hard it was on them to see him the way he was. He hoped they understood that this wasn’t selfish. It was selfless.

\--

Please don't cry one tear for me  
I'm not afraid

All of the candles around him burned. He sat staring at the declaration of love written on the wall. ‘Rick & Ren 4ever’ it declared. Some forever they had had. Four years of clumsy drunk kisses and screwing around. Kieren had never been as drunk as he let on, but Rick couldn’t have noticed. He was certain of it.  
But he had loved him, how he had loved him with all his heart. How he could live without him, he never could have figured out. He wouldn’t have to, not any more.  
He flicked open the army knife his father gifted him some years ago. The metal shined in the candlelight, fascinating Kieren. It looked so beautiful to him. He supposed it was a beautiful thing, this blade. It had more control than Kieren ever had. It comforted him. No fear was left. He couldn’t remember what there was to be afraid of.  
A sharp hiss of air escaped his teeth as it found its way into the soft skin of his wrist. His line was sharp and deep. So deep that it was nearly impossible to grip the knife in his left hand to add a matching mark to his right wrist.  
The knife dropped to the ground in a clatter as he whimpered softly. Pain surged through his body briefly before a sense of control, a sense of relief. He was never one for God, but a prayer went through his mind that his family wouldn’t cry for him. He didn’t want it, he didn’t deserve it. His vision went dark as his head slumped to the cave wall. A soft grin, the first that had graced his face for months, found its way to his lips as relief washed over him. Then there was nothing.

\--

It was one forty, and Kieren Walker was dead. No one knew it yet, but he was gone. Blood loss would be declared the cause of his death, but everyone knew that wasn’t the case. The cause was a cruel world, an unforgiving one. A world where being yourself lead to landmines and suicide. It lead to heart break. Some would argue a piece of you died with each heart break. Kieren was proof that sometimes, all of you did.  
It had been two days later, that shy Jem finally betrayed his brother’s biggest secret. She told her parents everything. How Kieren used to meet up with Rick late at night, once they were asleep. She told them they would drink, smoke some fags, which would lead to other activities. She told them as they sat stoically, that she thought he might be where they used to meet. The den. Kieren was at the den.  
Steve and Sue began to jump into action, coats flying on. Steve stopped as they both began to run down the drive. He told his wife she had to stay at home, stay with their inconsolable daughter. She had been sobbing, hating that she had betrayed her brother, her best friend. Steve told her she had to stay, not just for Jem, but for Kieren if he came home. She agreed.  
Jem’s directions to the den had been sketchy. Steve’s torch proved necessary as the woods grew denser for a time, the day overcast. Finally, after an hour and a half, he found the first thing resembling a den he had come across. Again, he needed his torch to see inside the deeper than expected.   
As his eyes scanned the area, he first noticed candles, some knocked over, all burnt out. Jem had said that was where some of theirs had disappeared to. He tentatively called out to Kieren. No response. He caught some graffiti on the wall in the corner of his eye before he saw him.   
Kieren. Kieren was there. He was asleep. No, he was only asleep. Kier. Kieren. Kieren.  
Blood. There was so much blood. Never one to be squeamish, Steve crumpled to the ground, his legs forgetting to support him. He ran his fingers along Kieren’s face. No, no, no, no. This wasn’t happening. His son, his only son, face pale as a ghost and colder than ice. There was no sign of life in his half opened eyes. Steve had to shut them, unable to bear it. He was asleep, only asleep.  
Steve wasn’t a large man. He had never been one for sport, really, but had his son been twice his size, he would have carried him. His son’s slightness made it simpler, physically, to carry him through the woods, but nothing could ease the psychological pain brought about by carrying his son’s limp body. The last time he had held his son like this, he was still an infant. How he wished he could have held him like that one more time, to see the smile that made his eyes sparkle.  
He made countless stops, needing to rest against a tree, all the time holding Kieren. He had left the knife. He couldn’t bear to know he had given his son the instrument of his death. It was his fault. Oh, how Steve blamed himself.

Finally, Steve got back to his home. Sue opened the door, tears brimming in her eyes. The wrong kind of tears. She thought Kieren was asleep. Exhausted, perhaps, from days without food. Maybe dehydrated. She would call Dr. Russo, he’d be there in a lick. He was young, but he’d be able to fix Kieren up.  
Steve laid his son on the couch, sobbing. Jem was upstairs, it was late. She had been sent to bed an hour ago. Sue saw Steve’s shirt. He was covered in blood. Had he fallen? Gotten scraped up? She couldn’t accept that it was her son’s blood rubbed off on her husband’s shirt.  
Sue sobbed into Kieren’s stomach. Steve knelt behind her, holding her, holding their son, sobbing all the while. Sue’s jaw quivered. It was her fault. She never should have let Kieren leave by himself. He shouldn’t have been alone at all. Why had she done that? She killed her own son. Sue blamed herself. Who else’s fault could it have been?

Jem heard her parents down stairs. She tried to ignore it, she really did. They had been crying a lot lately. Loud crying had become a regular in their house. She had done enough tear shedding herself, though she had mastered crying silently. That way when Kieren was crying on her shoulder, he wouldn’t know she was crying too. She knew she had to be strong for him. Maybe now it was time for her to be strong for her parents.  
She got out of bed, pulling the sweater she had stolen from Kieren’s closet years ago tighter around her. There was something greatly comforting about it. It was like Kieren was back home when she had it on. She snuck down the stairs, quiet as a mouse. She kicked herself for again being on her tip toes. Old habits died hard. Sometimes when she was nervous, she still did it. She had been doing it a lot since Kieren had gone missing.  
She saw the couch. Kieren was there. Her heart leapt in her chest as she suddenly burst in the room. “Why didn’t you tell me? You found Kier!” she ran to hug her brother. Why was his skin so cold? Why didn’t her hug her back? Kieren always hugged her back. “Kier?” her voice shook. “Kier!” she shrieked. So much for silent crying.  
Steve had to rip their hysterical daughter from their son’s body. She turned, sobbing into her father’s chest. She should have followed him. She should have ignored his wishes like a proper little sister and tagged along. Even if she hadn't have, she should have told them sooner. They could have found him. They could have saved him. Her brother was dead and it was all her fault.  
Janet Macy heard the news the next morning. Bill mentioned it in passing as he read the morning paper. Someone had seen Steve carrying the boy’s body as they headed to the lodge. They had all known what he was dead of. Cowardly and disgusting, Bill called it. A good riddance. He didn’t blame himself, but even if he thought it was his fault, it wouldn’t have mattered. It wasn’t any kind of loss.  
Janet felt the weight of the death as she excused herself to the bathroom. She sat on the lid of the toilet, silently sobbing. She killed her son, and she killed the boy he had loved. If she could have just stood up for Rick, for Kieren. If she had told Rick she supported him, loved him no matter what, told Kieren he was welcomed into their family as far as she was concerned, then, just maybe then, she wouldn’t have the blood of two eighteen year old boys on her hands.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp. That was painful to write. I know I could use a hug, don't know about you guys. How about we all hug it out?


End file.
